And then years went by

I'd say I'm not totally sure what inspired me to log back in, but that's not completely true.  And logging back in wasn't easy, by the way - the email address I'd had for this blog was deactivated because of inactivity, and for a second there it seemed as if I wouldn't be able to get back in at all, and this blog would just be out there, orphaned, not even something I could pull the plug on.  Luckily, I had a backup email in the system, so Google let me back in.

What brought me here is that I was Googling something unrelated to infertility, but it landed me on an infertility blog. And not only was it an infertility blog, but it was also an infertility blog that took me back to those days, which I have both blocked out and carry with me all the time. The author of the blog also has endometriosis, and she's been through a great deal, and she's pregnant now after IVF. Mostly, though, I liked her voice and her sensibility and her musings on the usual infertility topics, and I felt an urge to come check in on my little refuge here, which now attracts only Chinese spammers.

I also felt inspired to email her, which I did, because I remembered how nice it was, having this place on the internet where you could talk to people who were in the same shitty place, where you could share the insensitive things fertile people said to you or how it was impossible to escape pregnant women or how you felt like a failure at something really fundamental.  I remembered our cohort of infertiles and wondered what you guys were up to these days.  I lost the drive to blog after I got immersed (swamped) in parenting, working, etc.  The usual.  But, today, I felt like returning.  I don't know if it's anything permanent or not, but at least it's nice to dust off the blog.

My kids are big now - almost seven and over five - and they're hilarious, maddening, crazy, active, loud, sweet, and very, very cute. I am still amazed they exist at all.  The whole infertility experience fundamentally changed me, and I think it was for the better, not least because it made me realize the very important lesson that you really don't know what you'll do in a particular situation until you've been in it.  It made me much less of a know-it-all.

Lots has happened since I last posted, and it's been very good overall.  As I said above, I'm not sure if I'll be back often, or how much I'll share, but something in me felt the urge to check in.  If anyone's still looking, I hope you're all doing well.

Plain White Box! A contest! Enter to win!

Okay, could I be any more delinquent? Don't answer that. I won the Plain White Box from Statia (proud owner of TWO awesome kids now), who won it from Donna, who won it from someone else. This is a pay-it-forward kind of deal -- i.e., an awesome treat arrives for you in the mail; you enjoy its bounty; you refill it and add your personal touch, and you send it on to the next person with MUCH MORE promptness than I have done.

Are you interested? Who wouldn't be? Make a note in the comments, and I'll pick a winner using the random-number generator or other equally impartial decision tool. Or I'll just close my eyes and think of a number between one and two, which is likely the number of comments I'll have.

Seriously, though, I've stocked it with good stuff already. So make your interest known. Do it now, and don't be shy.

Time flies, etc.

Wow, that was a long time. I started a new job and don't do any personal email or surfing during the day (exhibiting impressive restraint on my part), and now it's been a couple of months. Whoops.

So, first, I am in possession of the Plain White Box and will soon pay it forward to the next person. That is on my to-do list for this week. I need to add my own decorations to it, but then it is ready to go. I'll make a separate post for that since it deserves one.

Second, Seb.astian is almost six months old. Holy fucking shit! I am nearly done breastfeeding, but not quite, which means I'll make it to six months. I impress myself. It's all been by chance, but I'll act as if I persevered intentionally.

Third, Se.bastian is FINALLY getting his sleeping act together, knock on wood. It took learning to roll over from his back to his tummy, but now he's much better. Still not as good as So.ren, but things are looking up. I hope.

Fourth, my right ovary is starting to hurt. I'd wanted it removed during my c-section, but my OB said it looked OK, so we left it in. Now I'm starting to regret it. I assume my endometriosis is back, and I resent it.

Finally, I haven't been blogging much (stating the obvious), but I am reading, and I'm really excited for a few of you out there. You know who you are. Fingers crossed that everything goes well.

(Check back this week for a post on the Plain White Box and how to enter to win!)

Wow, has it been that long?

I am totally still alive.  Tired, yes, but alive.  That sleep training I mentioned?  Yeah, it's still going on.  Our young hero makes it until 5:30am, which I can live with, except when he doesn't.  Like last night, when he was awakened repeatedly by diarrhea.  Poor kid.  Sleep training goes out the window in such situations, obviously.  

Seb.astian is SO amused by So.ren, who is turning TWO in two days, which I can't believe.  Except when he says things like "You can't have it, Mommy!", brandishing his sippy cup, and I'm all like, "I didn't want your milk, sillypants."  His babysitter told me that, today, he went up to a dad who was at the playground, watching his kids while sitting on the seesaw, and So.ren, who wanted to play on said seesaw, proclaimed, "Excuse me, MAN."  Both polite and aggressive, my son.

I am still breastfeeding, if you can believe it.  I can't.  The reason, however, is the aforementioned 5:30 wakeup.  I take S.ebastian into bed with me and nurse him, thereby tricking us both into an extra hour of sleep.  It's not going to last, though, since I don't do much feeding/pumping otherwise, so things are drying up.  

In other news:

Mother's Day just happened, and I remembered how horribly it sucked, and I wanted to send good vibes to anyone who's still stuck in infertility hell.  

Speaking of infertility hell, my copy of Mel's book, Navigating the Land of IF arrived, and it is fabulous.  As you know, Mel is a great writer, and she's also so well informed that everything in the book seems correct to me.  Hallelujah!

Finally, there's been great news and bad news out there in our world lately.  I won't repeat the sad news because it's just too hard to bear.  And I won't repeat the good news because I tend to jinx people.  But both camps are on my mind these days.

Cutting back

Is this post about the recession?  Nope.  Well, I suppose it is, indirectly.  You see, it's time for me to get a full-time job, which means I need to undertake a job search.  And those job searches take a long time these days, so I'd better start now, even though my second child (whom my husband occasionally calls "the other one," apparently forgetting his name) is still young.  And starting now means that I don't have time to pump after every feeding.  Also, I hate the fucking pump.  We shouldn't overlook that.  So as of today I am pumping after the morning feeding, the 1pm feeding, before bed, and in the middle of the night.  

Did you guys see the article called "The Case Again.st Bre.astfeedin.g" in the current issue of The Atlantic?  It has gotten the Internet into a furor, but, personally, I found it to be a nice reality check.  And if you're a low-supply gal like me who goes to great, possibly insane lengths to breastfeed, it offers some good perspective.  Like that it might be better for me to spend time with my offspring than to be pumping all the time.

In other news, Seb.astian's sleep is kind of a catastrophe.  He's getting his ass sleep-trained next weekend.  I'm ruthless.

A quickie

I have other posts brewing, but this is just a quick one to give myself a pat on the back.  You see, today I ventured out with the infant, the toddler, AND the dog -- all at once.  The dog was really the problem, seeing as he's been driven from the brink of insanity into real insanity due to the excess of children and the dearth of walks in his life.  The infant and toddler were very well behaved.

How do people have more than two kids?

I mean, sure, maybe you get better at managing the chaos created by many children, but how do you handle the germ transmission?  I mentioned in my last post that Se.bastian was sick -- well, it turns out it's RSV.  I've been having to take him to the pediatrician every day for a checkup, but that's at least better than having him in the hospital.  He's lost a pound and his sleeping has gone to hell.  I've since heard from several friends that their second or third babies ended up in the hospital when they got RSV at a young age (from an older kid in the house).  Yikes.  FYI, you're supposed to take your baby to the doctor immediately if they get a cough.  And the treatment Se.bastian is getting now involves two things through a nebulizer.  He should get better this week, according to the doctor, though it could linger.  Meanwhile, So.ren has some other virus that is causing a fever -- I hope we avoid that in Seb.astian.  We are keeping them far, far apart and hoping that I am immune to whatever So.ren has.

I'm on zi.thromax for an ear infection and taking many anti-thrush precautions, such as probiotics galore.  Also, I change my nursing tanks frequently and wash off my chest with vinegar, causing me to smell vaguely like salad at all times.  Well, salad on top of maple syrup, since I am also taking fen.ugreek.  In short, I am a joy to behold -- and smell.

But in other news, Seb.astian is making lots of intense eye contact and even smiling from time to time, so my postpartum OCD/anxiety levels have dropped.  For that, I am extremely thankful and will happily deal with sick offspring.

An actual, verifiable source of worry

So So.ren is a little germ factory (or, more accurately, carrier).  He has had one cold after another all winter long because he goes to this indoor rec center with his nanny and the other kid in the sharecare, which, from a germ perspective, is maybe one step removed from daycare.  Well, he infected me with this latest cold, which gave me an ear infection and a cough.  

I thought my magical breastmilk would prevent Se.bastian from getting sick, but no luck.  He's now a sick little guy, coughing and wheezing and being really tired and not really eating much.  We've been to the doctor three times in 24 hours (on their advice -- I'm not THAT crazy) to get him checked.  He's taking lev.albut.erol from a nebulizer, and we're now adding some steroid to that plan.  If he gets worse, the next thing is the hospital, where they can give him oxygen.  

I'm not really sure how we could have prevented this, since I can't not touch So.ren when he's sick, you know?

In other news, I definitely have a bigger milk supply this time.  For one feeding at night, I've started just pumping (while someone else gives the baby a bottle of pumped milk and/or formula), and I am getting six or seven ounces then, after not feeding/pumping for four hours.  I did this with So.ren, too, and would only get three or four after not pumping/feeding for six to eight hours.  So wahoo!  Something is working.  It's hard to say what since I am taking 947 supplements, doing acupuncture, eating various alleged lactogenic foods, etc.

Also, I broke down and had a little booze the other day at an Oscars party.  Ahh, champagne.  So refreshing.

Because Niobe asked

Check out this post.  And check out the links in the post.  Then post your own eye color on your blog.  It's nifty to see everyone's eyes!

Insult to injury

We had the housecleaners here today, and they poured out the breastmilk I had just pumped.  (I keep the bottles/horns out for two or three pumping sessions before refrigerating the milk and washing the accessories.)  When I asked where they were, the cleaner said she had poured it out because "it was only a little."  A little for her, maybe!  Anyway, since we are already supplementing a few ounces a day with formula, this did not send me into convulsions.  If this had happened last week, I would have broken down and cried and perhaps not stopped until placed into an induced coma.

In other news, I am freaking myself out about the fact that Seb.astian doesn't make much eye contact.  I think it's improving (ie, he does more and more each day), but I consulted Dr. Google on all kinds of autism-related queries, and now I'm totally insane with worry.  I think that perhaps I need to (a) step away from the Internet and (b) see some sort of professional about my tendency to work myself up over medical things.  In the meantime, it would be nice if my little boy would start gazing at me lovingly and with massive smiles all the time.  I recall doing this with S.oren, too, but I think he started smiling shortly thereafter, and my fears were assuaged.  Se.bastian has broken out a few smiles for us that seem real, but then he goes back to looking at the wall, and I start to freak out again.  Gah.  I know he's only one month old, but still.

Did I say a month? Make that four weeks.

Well, I thought I could get to Saturday on breastmilk alone (for Seb.astian, not for me -- though I hear breastmilk can be used for a variety of ailments), but I'm revising that to four weeks.  Which is today.  After bragging on here about his weight gain, it has dropped off a bit despite constant feeding, and so I think it's time to supplement.  Also, I can never leave the house because I'm always feeding or pumping, and I am neglecting my first child big-time.  So tonight, we start the formula chasers, at least until I get the donor milk.  I'm aiming for a 2/3 breastmilk, 1/3 formula split for the next month if I can swing it (and if my supply doesn't crash).  That should be possible since I am not going to drop any feedings or anything, but we'll see.

Today, I'm going to a new-moms group in my 'hood.  There's a local wine bar that has "wine and wh.iners" Wednesdays -- ie, you drink wine and bring your kid.  I haven't had a sip of booze in, oh, 10+ months, and I don't think I'll break down today, given that alcohol supposedly reduces supply (despite popular lore), but maybe next week.  I do love me some chardonnay.

Better than last time

Well, it may not be sustainable, but my feeding/pumping schedule has let me exclusively breastfeed Se.bastian for more than three weeks.  He's still gaining well, though I really need some sleep.  He was born at 8 lbs, 4oz.  His lowest weight was 7 lbs, 7oz (a nearly 10% loss).  He's now 9 lbs, 4oz, though I think that weight today might have been slightly inflated by a recent meal.  So let's say it was really 9 lbs, 2-3oz.  Much better than with Sor.en, who dropped a full pound, didn't gain and/or lost weight often in those first few weeks, and was already being supplemented by now.

That said, this is the result of feeding very often and pumping after all or almost all sessions, then feeding S. the pumped milk within 24 hours.  We're now trying to stretch out his pattern a bit, which he is totally up for -- it is HARD to get him to eat every two hours.  It just remains to be seen whether my boobs can maintain their supply with more time between feedings and pumping sessions. 

My goal now is to get him to one month (2/21) on my milk alone.  If I need to supplement with donor milk or formula at that point, then so be it.  I have an Internet friend who is going to send me 100-200 oz. of her excess milk, so that will be nice to have.  So.ren keeps bringing home germs, and my main concern is to get Se.bastian through these first six to eight weeks with the best health possible.

Photographic evidence

Here's a photo of my little guy from today.  His thick rug has thinned out a bit but still looks like a baby toupee.  Admit it: he's cute.  

Attention, media

"Implant" is not a synonym for "transfer."  You'd think that the TV interviewers (Ann Curry) and publications (New York Times) would notice that whenever they talk to a fertility doctor or the octuplet mom herself, those people consistently say "transfer."  Transfer!  Transfer!  Gah.

Real update to come.

Progress

For the past week, I've been feeding at least 10 times a day and pumping for about 10 minutes after each feeding.  And this hard work paid off, at least for the moment, since Seba.stian was up 10 oz. over that week.  Since I'm taking every supplement known to man, I can't figure out exactly what caused this increased supply, but I think it might be the acupuncture.  Google "acupuncture" and "insufficient lactation" and you'll see studies and protocols.  Or maybe it was the More Milk Spe.cial Blen.d, which is the foulest-tasting shit on the planet and involves grain alcohol but which some people say works well on low-supplyers.  Or maybe it's the Meta.mucil, which -- I'm not joking -- one woman on the MOBI (Mothers Overcoming Breastfeeding Issues) board swears doubled her supply.  (I figured it couldn't hurt to take it.)  In any case, I can't keep up this schedule of feeding, so tonight we're going to let the little lad sleep a four-hour stretch and hope it doesn't foul up my supply.

I had my post-operative appointment this week and was pleased to find that all of that horrible reflux paid off.  You see, the reflux kept me from eating after 3pm most days, which meant I didn't gain that much weight.  And lo and behold -- it's all gone already.  Now, that doesn't mean I look normal -- I certainly do not.  But at least I don't have to worry about the actual poundage.  Then again, I think that with So.ren I was one of the few people who managed to gain weight while breastfeeding, so I shouldn't count my chickens, etc.  

Having two children under two is tiring because it requires man-to-man defense, but it isn't as bad as I would have thought.  So.ren has rallied and is very interested in his baby brother, and we hope that his memory of the "before" time is fading away already.  

So, all in all, things are very good right now, even if I'm so tired I can barely string together a subject and a verb.  Stay tuned for more from the low-supply battlefront.....

One step forward, two steps back

We weighed Se.bastian on the rented scale today, and he was back over 8 lbs.  Then, for no apparent reason, my supply dropped off a cliff.  What the fuck?  I was still nursing constantly, pumping, taking supplements, etc.  I hope it'll be back to the old level tomorrow.  I'm sure being stressed about it doesn't help.  My current goal is to keep him exclusively breastfed through Wednesday, which would be two weeks.  We can then supplement, though I'll keep up the nutso feeding/pumping schedule for another week to make sure I max out my supply, such as it is.

Trying everything

I think Seb.astian is better off, weight-wise, than So.ren was at this point.   He's gaining weight, though not quite at the pace he's supposed to.  Today, he was 7 lbs, 14 oz.  That's up 3 oz in four days.  It should really be 4 oz.  The pediatrician said he's not worried, that we should just see if his weight plateaus next week or the week after, and then we could think about supplementing if needed.  Regardless of whether we supplement, I plan to keep up my schedule of feeding/pumping for another couple of weeks because your supply is apparently more or less decided in the first three weeks.

To recap, here's what I'm doing to increase supply:

-- nursing 10 times a day

-- pumping 8-9 times a day after feedings

-- feeding Se.bastian the pumped milk

-- taking dom.peridone

-- taking fenu.greek

-- taking More M.ilk Pl.us

-- taking goat's rue

-- taking lecit.thin (for plugged ducts)

-- taking acido.philus (to avoid thrush)

-- doing a series of acupuncture appointments designed to build supply

-- taking calcium and fish oil (for general health)

I am also supposed to be taking some gross Chinese herbs (per the acupuncturist), but I haven't tried them yet.  I think my liver might explode from all of the above-referenced supplements.

Aside from the feeding, however, I think child #2 is easier than child #1.  I'm not sure if the child himself is easier, but we just feel much less stressed out about the whole thing.  I will revise this opinion if he turns out colicky.  In all seriousness, I am enjoying this little baby honeymoon -- we hang out in our sunny bedroom most of the time, watching the DVD of the first season of "30 Ro.ck" and reality TV.  The weather here in SF has been spectacular and springlike, so we take a little walk once a day.  My c-section recovery has been great.

And -- get this -- our newborn specialist (whom we used for a couple of weeks the last time) arrives on Tuesday for six weeks.  How's that for a bull-market decision?  We totally need that money now, but we already paid for her, so there you have it.  I will have to start my job search in earnest while she's here, though, since I hear it'll take at least six months.

No thrush!

Since we last spoke, an OB, the pediatrician, and another LC posited that I do not have thrush, and that the issue is, in fact, some crackage. So now I'm using this Mothe.rlove nipple cream and breast shells to try to heal the cracks. Seb.astian's latch got a high grade at the LC yesterday, so at least I know that our technique is good. The LC also gave me the OK to start the zillions of supplements I have on hand -- fenu.greek, More Mil.k Pl.us, and dom.peridone. We are feeding every 1-2 hours during the day and every 2-3 at night. I pump after all but three sessions a day, and we feed that milk back to him.

The day we left the hospital, this seemed to be working since he had started gaining again, but he was back down an ounce at the pediatrician yesterday despite eating constantly the 24 hours prior. We go back on Friday to the ped, and if his weight isn't on track, then we will supplement, per the LC's instructions. My gut feel is that my supply is better this time, so we'll just see if it's enough better to go EBF.

Last night, we cobbled together enough sleep to feel human today. We may not get a repeat of that tonight, but it was much needed after a max of three hours total of interrupted sleep, which is what I've had the first five days. Last night, I think I got 4-5 in total, including from a nap this morning, and I feel SO much better right now. Good enough, in fact, to watch a marathon of "Ba.d Girls' Clu.b" on Oxygen. Out of self-respect, I've now moved on to "What No.t to Wea.r" on TLC.

Last night, we cobbled together enough sleep to feel human today. We may not get a repeat of that tonight, but it was much needed after a max of three hours total of interrupted sleep, which is what I've had the first five days. Last night, I think I got 4-5 in total, including from a nap this morning, and I feel SO much better right now. Good enough, in fact, to watch a marathon of "Ba.d Girls' Clu.b" on Oxygen. Out of self-respect, I've now moved on to "What No.t to Wea.r" on TLC.

So.ren seems to be adjusting to his new life. When we came home on Sunday, he was napping, and so when he got up he found that the baby brother he'd met in the hospital twice was now here. I have to say I didn't expect this, but he just seemed so incredibly sad. It made me start to cry. Yesterday was better, and this morning he asked to see the baby. I hope he soon forgets that things were any different. My heart just broke for him on Sunday.

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention about my c-section was that the OB used a glue instead of stitches or staples on me. I think it's called Derm.abond. Impressive shit! You can barely see the incision. I recommend asking for this if scarring is a concern. I had a big keloid scar before, and she cut that away and used this stuff this time around, which apparently should be much less visible.

Thrush!

So I have thrush in my boobs already. Yikes! I saw the LC here at the hospital for what I thought was a garden-variety cracked nipple, and she said she's almost certain it's thrush. Let me say this: ouch.

Also, S keeps dropping weight. I am OK with supplementing while working on my supply. The LC will make a call about this tomorrow. Still pumping after every feeding. Milk is in, at least.

The LC said that if we caught the thrush early, it may go away relatively fast. Fingers crossed. I am such a breastfeeding catastrophe.

Miscellany

I forgot to mention that when I went in on Wednesday, they told me I was having contractions.  I had no idea.  I would notice a lot of movement from the baby, but I didn't realize that it was a contraction.  I'd been feeling that sort of thing for a couple of days, so presumably it was very early labor or prodromal labor or whatever it's called.  So I didn't totally miss out on the entire labor experience, I suppose.

We have finally decided on a name: Seb.astian Mey.er.  We just liked the first name, and Me.yer was my grandmother's maiden name.  Sore.n came by to meet him last night and did correctly identify him as "baby brother" but was far more interested in the free crackers and water available here.  Seb.astian slept through the whole visit.

I am now in pumping bootcamp again.  Like S.oren, Se.bastian is a natural eater with a great latch and a strong suck, which is all good, but my supply still seems to be lagging.  I am much less stressed by the whole thing this time, though.  If he has to get some supplementing early, then no big deal.  I will still work on maxing out my supply and breastfeeding as long as possible.   Awaiting a visit from the lactation consultant here.  Apparently, they focus on first-time mothers, but I am demanding assistance and advice as well.

Photos to come when my wireless connection improves....