Thursday, September 14, 2006

A new kind of panic

I am feeling good - no symptoms to report yet, although I suspect they will hit soon if I am indeed carrying twins. And that is the subject of this post: I am totally freaked out by the idea of having twins. Obviously, this is quite an irrational swing. As my husband pointed out, it is a bit insane that just a month ago I was depressed over infertility, and now I am depressed at the idea of fecundity (well, fecundity on the infertile spectrum). What's more, my panic is extra-foolish in that I won't even know what the deal is until the end of the month, so I might as well not freak out about it.

But telling me not to freak out is like telling my dog that he might consider not barking at pedestrians. I am experiencing a crazy mix of gratitude, surprise, relief, fear that it won't work out, fear that it will work out, and much, much more. Now I understand why infertile women have a greater proclivity towards depression during pregnancy, which always struck me as a bit of a head-scratcher before.

I suppose this is all yet more evidence to support the Nobel-Prize-worthy theory I like to call You Can't Know What Something Is Like Until You Experience It, Unless You Are Really, Really Imaginative (Which Most People Think They Are, But Are Not).

I guess I just worry that I will fail if I end up having twins - ie, that I won't be (wo)man enough for the challenge. The insecurity!

Thanks for all the comments on the posts below; I really appreciate them!


bihari said...

Oh honey. Wish I could wave a wand and give you certainty, assurance, foreknowledge, and all that other stuff which would be so nice to have and which is in such short supply. Will have to settle for fellow-feeling (well, just the having-two-children kind, not the having-two-at-once kind) and the offer of an on-demand shoulder.

Hope548 said...

Don't read too much into the high beta numbers just yet. Everyone's body does things differently and you may just have one very enthusiastic embryo in there! Whatever you find out at the end of this month, you will adjust and enjoy your pregnancy! Good luck!

VanillaDreams said...

Hope548 is right. Beta numbers really mean nothing except to tell you that you are currently pregnant. And, oddly enough, high betas numbers usually indicate the opposite. I have seen many more twin pregnancies with lower betas than with high.

I think beta numbers are another one of the "mysteries of the art/science that is IVF"..... ;)

I know it's difficult (impossible?) not to freak out during this time, but I hope you can take some solace in the fact that beta numbers are so very individual for each pregnancy that you really shouldn't waste your energy on reading too much into them at this point.

Wishing you all the best,

Jane said...

Yes, yes, yes. I know so exactly how you feel.

And if you do, indeed find out it's twins, trust me on this one: after a few weeks, you'll be so used to the idea of having two babies in there, it'll be hard to imagine it any other way. Not that this eliminates all the other feelings of worry/fear/doubt/etc., but at least it starts to feel like reality. (It sucks to be in suspense! I hope the days fly by.)

You know, the woman who led the multiples class we recently took articulated it so well: "I had to go through all the hassle and heartache of infertility, and then I ended up with twins. It felt like, 'after all that, now I have to deal with two babies at once? When do I get a break?'"

Jane said...

And another thing -- well, two more:

1.) My husband thinks I'm insane too when I freak out about twins. ("Do you not remember the fact that you were CRYING every time you found out someone we knew was pregnant???") They just don't get the complexity of female emotions.

2.) You will be an ass-kicking mother, whether it's one or two. In fact, with your discipline and organizational skills, you were probably born to be a twin mama.

Incidentally, the last three letters of my verification word are "HCG"

NikkiNix said...

Twins are fun after the first year ;) Head's up sweetie, you'll be just fine :)