Friday, May 30, 2008

More self-improvement needed

One of the things I've learned from infertility is not to weigh in so blithely with what I "would" do if I were in a situation I've never been in (or even one that I have been in, but where there were a variety of possible actions to take, even those vastly different from my own). I count that as a plus of infertility -- taking me down at least a tad on the know-it-all scale.

I've also made specific tactical adjustments, such as never asking someone when they're planning to start having kids or trying to figure out if someone is knocked up. I didn't ever really do the latter, anyway -- I always find it annoying when people (almost always women) are all eagle-eyed at parties, trying to figure out who's not drinking and then gossiping with others about it. I mean, maybe we notice some nondrinking or a slight belly pooch, but if the woman is pregnant, she'll tell us when she's ready.

But I've realized there are a couple of things I need to change. First, I tend to assume that anyone who has had one child can easily have another (unless I happen to know that the first required lots of ART). Second, I also assume that nothing bad ever happens to proven fertiles -- no miscarriages, no blighted ovums, no genetic issues, nothing -- even though I know fertile people who have had all of these things.

I bring this up for two reasons. One, a friend of mine is about to have her second child, and this made me remember that I very nearly asked her a year ago when she was going to have #2, not knowing she'd just had a miscarriage. So, like, I would have easily asked her this, even though I'd never do the equivalent with someone who didn't have any kids yet. By chance, I didn't ask, and then a mutual friend mentioned the miscarriage.

Second, the fertile friend I was complaining about a few posts ago just found out that she had a blighted ovum. She said she'd felt something was off -- like she had almost no symptoms -- and then she had the 9w ultrasound, which found the blighted ovum. If she'd been infertile, of course, they'd have found it earlier (small perk). She seems very at peace with it, but it did make me feel like a jerk who is accumulating bad karma. I felt slightly less like a jerk when she said that in a way I was lucky to have done IVF, because I wouldn't have any blighted ovums or chromosomal issues. And I was all, like, "IVFers still get all that crap, too, homes. Insult to injury, etc."

In happy news, though, we are going to a baby shower this weekend for some pals (hello, pals!) who have won the Infertilympics and are 37 weeks along with a very-hard-earned baby. Like, really hard-earned. This will be the most welcomed baby of all time. Wahoo!


TLB said...

Hey yourself! It was great to see you this weekend, and we were so glad you made the long trek to come in. You look fabulous, btw.

nancy said...

I'm glad you are giong to start working on your assumptions. So many times I would get horrible comments. Just because I had two kids - my journey w/ surgeries/IUIs/IVF/FET was deemed "less than". People need to not bring in the past when looking at someone's future. And I'm SO glad you are someone who is going to try to change their mind!