Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Really, I only cry about 75% of the time

So, yesterday, my husband and I went on a fact-finding mission to an international adoption agency. I scheduled this a while back in a burst of energy and forced optimism, and I didn't feel as if I could cancel it at the last minute, which I really wanted to do because I'm just not there yet. In any event, I figured we'd go and ask questions and figure out what sorts of judgment would have to be visited upon us by external observers during the adoption process (answer: staggering and varied amounts of it).

Well, on the way to this appointment, I got a fucking SPEEDING TICKET (for going 32 in a 25). And the officer threw on an additional $70 ticket because my front license plate was missing (I have it, but it just isn't on the car because one of the bolts rusted out and I hadn't fixed it). Now, the police in our town are not known for being understanding, but, for the first time in my speeding-ticket history (this was the fourth, but the first in eight years), I attempted to get out of it. I said, "I have an appointment at an adoption agency," and immediately dissolved into tears. The officer brusquely asked me what time and where, and I told him, and he said that this would just take a few minutes, at which time he sat in his car for 15 minutes and thus forced me to speed the remaining 30 miles to the appointment, weeping the whole way. That's the problem with me these days (okay, one of many problems) - once I lose it, I really lose it, and I cannot be stopped. The same mechanism in my brain that makes me think that maybe I deserve to be infertile also makes me think that because I have always confessed to my traffic sins in the past I should have gotten off easy for once, when it actually mattered. Alas, no.

So I met my husband at the agency, and I looked like shit. I mean, shit. Red nose, puffy and red eyes, a general tremulousness about me. I could tell that the social worker knew something was up. And, yep, this would be the same social worker who would do our home study, should we proceed down that road. I had to keep rubbing my eyes because they got so dry in the a/c. And on the drive home, I kept re-living my encounter with the law and imagining cutting remarks I could have delivered (had I not been sobbing), and began weeping anew over the injustice of it all.

[As an aside, some interesting international-adoption facts: (1) to adopt from India, you must have been married for five years, (2) to adopt from Korea, you cannot be overweight and one spouse max can be on antidepressants, both of which strictures I thought were rather judgmental, (3) it is still totally unclear to me whether you will be able to adopt from Guatemala or not after 2007, (4) Ethiopia offers the fastest timeline for adoption, and (5) Korea and China are soon going to take even longer than they currently take, which is already really damned long.]

On a happier note, when I was clearing out my parents' old house, I found the book that told me about the birds and the bees. I remember poring over this spread and obsessing about how babies were made. I didn't realize that, for me, this might as well have been a fantasy novel.


My Reality said...

I am sorry to hear about the speeding ticket. I only cry when I leave my house. Somehow, I feel safe here, but put me in the outside world and I can't keep it together. I hope that tonight is a good night for you and there are no more tears.

Lara said...

You sound just like me. Once the tears start you can't stop them, even HOURS later when I start to think about what set me off, all I have to do is remember how I felt and the crying starts all over again....sigh and the crying didn't even help with the ticket??? I've been stopped and the cop said, "ma'am (excuse me? Im wayyy too young to be a ma'am aren't I???) you REALLY don't need to cry" I got a warning that time. Maybe it does help sometimes, but its never worth the tears hangover I get the next few days from crying so hard! MUCH worse than a night spent drinking too much tequila, by far!

Motel Manager said...

Thanks for the sympathy, ladies. Lara, I totally agree with you - the crying hangover is WAY worse than a booze hangover. Sigh!

bihari said...

Oh geez, sweetie. A speeding ticket on the way to the adoption agency? Too much, I say!

I am so sorry you're feeling tremulous. I think you are astonishingly brave. Also very thin, which should help with Korea, right? (Though really; what the fuck is THAT about? Also, I know a very overweight woman who has TWO Korean kids, so humph).

Meg said...

Ooh, I like the cartoon man's handsome handlebar moustache. Did you wish you could meet a man just like that one day?

I'm sorry to hear you had to confront the social worker with red eyes; I can understand the concern. International adoption is so full of crazy rules it's not funny.

Emmie said...

That’s really awful! I swear, some cops are just heartless. I got pulled over once because my tags had just expired that very day, as I was driving to the MVA to renew them. I showed the cop the paperwork sitting next to me, but no mercy and a $70 ticket.

I admire you for going through with the adoption meeting at this point. I’ve looked at some sites, but I can’t really bring myself to attend a meeting yet. The whole process sounds just as invasive as the ART procedures; maybe even worse because now you’re being judged by your body’s shortcomings as well as you financial and personal ones. The thought of someone reviewing my vet records, stellar that they are, made the Lupron needle go in a little easier this morning. Hang in there!

TLB said...

I guess that means Korea's out for me!

What utter crapola. I'm just not ready to take that step yet--and it's always there, when I am ready for it.

The early stages of the infertility cycle are hardest. I think I spent the first two years in tears. You should have seen me when I got the news my sister was pg was her first.

You'll pull through, I know it.