Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The difference between fertiles and infertiles

Okay, this is a common topic of posts on infertility blogs, but that's never stopped me before.

I was staying with a very dear friend in San Francisco, a woman who has seen me through many difficult times and who has endured many difficult times herself. I say this as a prelude so that you don't think I am complaining about her - really, I am not, as she is a truly wonderful person and deserves as much happiness as the universe can muster on her behalf. Instead, I bring this up merely to illustrate the differences between the pregnant fertile and the pregnant infertile.

My friend and her husband recently succeeded in becoming knocked up (first or second try), and she is currently seven weeks along, or about fourteen weeks behind me, or about five "real" weeks pregnant (ie, three weeks post-BFP). She has not yet had an ultrasound since bona fide fertiles aren't allowed to have one until eight weeks or later. But here are the things I observed when I was staying with her:

1. She already had a subscription to the Ba.byCenter pregnancy magazine.
2. Her husband had already bought the baby a teddy bear that has "My First Bear" embroidered on it.
3. She was already heading out to buy maternity jeans, since hers were feeling tight. She also asked if I could send her the maternity things I had borrowed from a mutual friend but didn't want (which I am happy to do).
4. She and her husband were already clearing out and organizing their spare bedroom so that it can become a nursery.
5. They had already told many, many people that they were pregnant (some on purpose, some accidentally when the news just slipped out).

Meanwhile, I am still having a hard time not trying to hide my pregnancy (though it is physically difficult to do so at this point), and there have certainly been no baby-related gear purchases.

I've long read blogs of pregnant infertiles expressing this kind of sentiment, and I've always kind of thought that you'd get over the weird, superstitious infertile behavior at some point, but it sure is hard to rid yourself of the idea that everything is going to come crashing down, and that any presumptuous behavior on your part is bound to cause such a calamity.

(Speaking of calamities - on a happier note, Jane of Jane's Calamity has debuted her adorable twins, Clio and Elsa! And she gets the tax break on them for 2006! Good girls.)


Emmie said...

Yes, your observations are dead on with what I have observed from my fertile friends who are currently pregnant! It's such a different experience. I am just now starting to relax about this pregnancy being real since I am so huge (I figure if I'm this big, the twins must be alive and growing) and so I have allowed myself a few carefully chosen purchases.

But it's not like I'm acting like a fertile even now. I may have stopped worrying about a miscarriage or vanishing twin syndrome, but I have started worrying about all the birthing complications that could happen. Will I really take home two babies? I've only been buying one of things for the most part, as my scared little mind frets that I will jinx myself if I buy duplicates of anything.

Jane's babies give me great hope..

KikayC said...

hi! I hope you don't mind if I butt in. I can't help but comment but I can so relate to you. I have PCOS and been TTC for 4 years. I had done a gazillion cycles of IUI and 1 failed IVF. I also had a miscarriage just last year so with this pregnancy, I'm being sooo cautious. I even kept is hush hush - actually, until now. I'm scared that if I'd be too ecstatic, something might go wrong. I haven't even bought any baby stuff.

Jennifer said...

So true! Can I add that those fertiles don't also know what a beta is, what HCG is or what the 2WW is?

TLB said...

On the first successful IUI, I went out and bought maternity stuff--only to have to return it a week later after the m/c. So, never, ever again.