Thank you, I'll be oversharing here all week.

I was in New York late last week for work. While I was there, I met up with two former colleagues, one of whom was later (ie, after that job, not later that night) my boyfriend. Of all of my boyfriends, this was definitely my biggest heartbreak. We sort of keep in touch - like we email maybe once a year and occasionally see each other at a mutual friend's event or similar. Although my romantic feelings for him dissipated eons ago, I have generally still felt a need to be on my best behavior in front of him, by which I mean I have felt the need to be clever, witty, well-read, confident, up to date on current events, nicely dressed, smokin' hot, young-looking, wise beyond my years, and also perfect. Ever felt that way? Anyway, I give you this as context for what follows.

At one point during our gathering, the other former colleague excused himself to the bathroom. Somehow, in the three minutes this guy was gone, the following conversation ensued. I think it may have been when we were talking about mutual friends and how many kids they'd had.

Ex-BF: You know, I know a couple of people who had problems getting pregnant and then they adopted and got pregnant.
Me: There's no scientific evidence for that.
Ex-BF: No, really, I know two people it happened to.
Me: [possibly spewing wine while speaking] Really, it's just anecdotal evidence.
Ex-BF: [looks at me with odd expression]
Me: [speaking at triple normal speed and twice normal volume] I don't know if you know this, but we had to do IVF, and this is one of the most annoying things people can possibly say to you! That and "just adopt!" There's no "just" in adopting! It's very complicated! And, I mean, people who aren't infertile are also making a choice, and they never have to justify it to everyone else!
Ex-BF: Um. [stares at margarita glass]
Me: Oh, uh, sorry.
[Other friend returns. Conversation resumes more socially acceptable trajectory.]

I'm sure my ex-boyfriend probably felt compelled to discuss this with our other friend later, however. So much for that good impression I hoped to leave.

In other news, I made an appointment for next week at the RE clinic. First, my endometriosis seems to be back since I spend about 15 days a month feeling as if a mace is rotating in my pelvis. This pain is only alleviated by booze, and, you know, that sort of coping mechanism doesn't usually end well.

Second, given my advanced maternal age, I am going to see about the game plan for number two, if such an inquiry is not so hubristic as to be shot down by the gods just for having verbalized it. I am going to go in with my suggested plan and see if the doctors acknowledge my genius and sign off on it.

We have seven frozen embryos. I bet one is good. My suggested plan is based on two assumptions: (1) I'm not fucking around with anything except blastocysts, and (2) I only want to transfer one embryo. So I am going to recommend trying one FET cycle in the spring in which we thaw and culture four embryos. If none makes it to blastocyst, too bad. Okay, maybe I'd transfer a morula, but otherwise we'd do another FET cycle and thaw the remaining three. If that fails, we will reassess, though I am not crazy about doing another fresh cycle, even though I think I still have some insurance coverage and I do think fondly about that twilight anesthesia you get during retrieval. I am also curious about doing a natural FET cycle but will probably be convinced to do a medicated one since it worked before.

Any cycle must take place after February 26, when I have a baseline mammogram scheduled. Now, do I feel ready to possibly have another kid? Not at all! But I'm old and time is of the essence, and I'm kind of a get-it-over-with type of person. Besides, success is far from assured, so there's not any point in ruminating on those kinds of what-ifs.