Unfreeze

For some reason, the word 'thaw' never comes to my mind first when I'm thinking about the FET process; instead, I think 'unfreeze.' And for some reason, I can't stop myself from thinking it or, sometimes, saying it. Weird.

Anyway, I think my little embryos, frozen in the pronuclear stage at day one, are being THAWED today. Cross your fingers for their little embryo selves make it through and start growing like gangbusters. And keep those fingers crossed that at least one of them is a breathtakingly beautiful blastocyst on Friday.

Our weekend in Chicago was fun, and So.ren, worn out from our visit to IK.EA on the way home yesterday, slept for three hours in the car. He occasionally squawked or moved so I knew he was still alive and didn't have to pull over to check. My husband gave me my first PIO shot yesterday, and I successfully gave myself the second one this morning. I keep forgetting whether I've taken my Es.trace, so then I take another one, which means there have been some days where I've probably taken four instead of three. Let's hope this doesn't matter.

T minus one week (fingers crossed)

I had my ultrasound and pre-op appointment this morning.

Lining: 8mm and on target.
Antral follicles: 25 (not sure why they track this in an FET, but I do like to know)
Cysts: 1, but it isn't big enough to worry about (allegedly) and should go away with my increased es.trogen intake.

My PIO shots start Sunday. I say that as if they will just start on their own. Hardly!

I also reserved a spot next month among the fresh cyclers in case this one doesn't work out. If it doesn't work out, though, I might still cancel the fresh, but I thought I should go ahead and have that as an option before we move. Also, as I've mentioned, I do love that twilight anesthesia they give you at ER.

Today, So.ren and I are driving to Chicago to meet up with my husband, see some friends, and, on the way home, go to IK.EA. Good times!

Misery loves company, and there ain't none

So.ren's molars appear to be breaking through - he's been SHRIEKING since about 8:30pm. I've given him ibupro.fen, ora.jel, and a bottle. Each seems to help, but not for long. This is when it would be especially nice to have my husband here, even if both of us ended up staying up all night.

When we were in California back in October, we were staying with some friends who had a then-11-month-old who had molars coming in. I guess he was shrieking, too, so they'd put him in another room and let him scream (after comforting him a few times and giving him ibuprofen) until he'd pass out. They are experienced parents. They also have a big house. I don't think that plan is going to work for me for both mental (too afraid to NOT listen to him) and logistical (house not big enough to sequester screams) reasons.

At times like these, I remind myself how much I wanted him. It does seem to help. I think that if I'd had a baby easily, I would ONLY complain instead of complaining and then having a reality check. Hey, something infertility is good for!

The best thing about that trip is that it's over

If I tell you that I plan to take So.ren by myself on another plane flight, just go ahead and lock me in a padded room. There will be NO MORE FLYING SOLO WITH BABIES around here. Being a prodigy, So.ren has already, at 11 months, learned to throw tantrums, shake his head no, and attempt to do every single thing I don't want him to do (e.g., grab coiffed white hair of old lady in front of us), and all of these skills were on full display. At one point, I stood up with him in the back of the plane by the bathrooms for 50 minutes. Good times. I also shed a few tears during that period, I am embarrassed to admit.

Also, my fingers appeared to bloat up a bit - either from something related to travel or from the Es.trace - and I could NOT get my ring off of my right hand for about 36 hours. It hurt. Finally, I yanked it (and some skin) off today, and the world is looking much rosier.

On deck for this week: ultrasound on Friday, followed by driving to Chicago with So.ren. At least if he's shrieking the whole time, we won't be bothering anyone else.

I'm sorry; I wasn't paying attention. You see, my cervix hurts.

Well, that laminaria left a crampy legacy, despite the fact that I took it out last night. I've found my attention wandering today, and not even because I was near the Internet - rather, it was because my cervix kinda hurts. I hope it will be the easiest, breeziest ET of all time on 5/9.

Last night, I had a very difficult time going to sleep because I have this mild-but-irritating dry cough. Well, this turned out to be an even more unfortunate twist of fate because poor So.ren got food poisoning and barfed repeatedly all over his crib and sleepsack and blanket bear, and this, in turn, understandably made him feel upset. I am running on so little sleep right now that I think I might have hallucinated my entire day so far. So.ren seemed fine again this morning, so I'll keep my fingers crossed for a blissful night's sleep tonight and a much-needed trip to the gym in the morning.

On Thursday, we're off to Southern California for my father-in-law's birthday and a wedding. This will be my first time flying solo with So.ren. I think he's too young to drug, unfortunately.

I would still like to know how someone discovered that seaweed dilates cervixes

I just refreshed my memory of my last laminaria placement by reading about it. This time, I asked the assembled parties (RE, nurse, ultrasound tech) how someone discovered that seaweed opens the cervix, but I didn't get an answer because it was comedy hour in the clinic today, and they were sharing some inside joke at the moment.

This time, as before, the RE wanted to try a "sounding," where they try to thread the catheter through just for the heck of it. He actually did manage to get it through my hairpin turn (or, as he called it, "mountain road") of a cervix, but it wasn't easy, so we went ahead with the laminaria. Novac.aine was again injected into my cervix. Various implements were shoved here and there. The RE elected to use real seaweed instead of some synthetic version because the real seaweed is longer, thereby allowing him to cram it further in. He succeeded, which may make transfer a bit easier this time, though I will still have Dem.erol and B.uspar to take the edge off. I also have Ty.lenol 3s for use tonight if I need them (or for barter if I don't). I am definitely crampier this time from the laminaria - last time, it was a breeze. Maybe I was drunk or something.

For those of you keeping score at home, here are the highlights of the upcoming schedule:

Now through 4/30: Es.trace, 2x/day; also baby aspirin, which I'd forgotten about
On 5/1: Up the Es.trace to 3x/day
On 5/2: Ultrasound/"pre-op" appointment to check lining and ensure no ovulation occurred
On 5/4: Start 50mg (1ml) PIO in ethyl oleate 1x/day. All 7 embryos will be thawed - they are PN1s (pronuclear, frozen at day 1) - and put into culture.
On 5/9: Assuming embryos thawed OK and have cultured successfully, transfer one blastocyst (God and other deities willing).
On 5/10: 20th anniversary party for IVF clinic. With a bunch of infertiles, you'd think that they'd serve some booze, but it's 2-4pm, so I'm guessing not.
5/10-5/17ish: 2wfw (two-week fucking wait; at least the 5dt 2ww is really more like 10 days, and I will totally POAS by 8dp5dt)
Post-5/17: If pregnant, live it up before you start puking! If not pregnant, start drinking!

So.ren got his second-to-last rabies shot this morning; the last one will be on Cinco de Mayo. FYI, 7:30am may be a good time to go to the ER, but by God if you let it slip to 7:44, all hell breaks loose and you'll be there 1.5 hours.

Game on, bitches!

AF arrived this afternoon, so I am going to count tomorrow as my first "full-flow" (and hence Es.trace) day. Now, FET cycles aren't as exciting as fresh cycles, which offer much more monitoring, but I'll be sure to weigh in with detailed descriptions of the nausea and bloating I get from Est.race.

Currently worrying me: (1) what if the embryos don't survive the thaw?, (2) what if none of them makes it to blastocyst? (note: based on past experience, I have insisted on a blast transfer since it is my belief that if my embryos don't make it to blast, they don't have a chance), and (3) what if one of them implants upon my c-section scar, which I've read is a form of ectopic???

Anyway, here we go again. Enjoy the ride!

Four down, two to go

So.ren has now endured four rabies-related shots (one immunoglobulin, three rabies vaccines). He'll have two more, but at least we get a week off before the next one. FYI, the best time to go to the ER for the shots seems to be around 7:30am.

I made the bat guy come back, too, to check things out. He brought his tween son, thereby ensuring that someone (in this case, my mother) would make a Bat.man/Rob.in joke. They pulled out some insulation from the basement and found some large droppings indicating big brown bats, which have a wingspan of 16 inches or so. They plugged up the hole that had apparently let the bats in, and he assured me that we wouldn't turn out to be one of those houses where there are, like, 500 bats hiding somewhere.

So.ren has some molars coming in, it appears. He's been a little crotchety, but that may also be because I continue to prevent him from hurling himself down the stairs, smashing the Ti.Vo remote through the glass door, eating toxins, and diving into the toilet. I know I'll be glad when he's 11 and still loves me, but right now I have moments of envying my friends who have girl babies. So much calmer! One of my friends said that she realized her house was childproofed for girls and not for boys when some little boy came over and grabbed a highball glass from a low shelf, whereas her daughter never did that. So.ren proved the wisdom of her observation when we were over at local friend T-Bone's house last night, and he tried to overturn several houseplants that her daughter had never touched. This was after he'd removed two different grates from heating vents and overturned the dog's water dish. It's a good thing he's cute.

Good vibes to Single Tracey

Today, Single Tracey is having an FET. Please go over and wish her good luck!

Update: I think I am a curse or something - Tracey's FET was cancelled because the embryos didn't survive the thaw. Go over and give her some support.

Really, I tried to avoid being a bad mother (at least in this category)

We live in an old house. It was built in 1843 as living quarters for farmhands or something like that, and while it has had many modern conveniences added since then, it is still, at its core, an old house. One typical old-house problem it didn't initially have, however, was bats. But we added insulation, thinking we were being all green and shit, and it turns out that bats totally LURV insulation, and in the winter of 2006/2007 we started hearing noises in our attic (which is a teeny-tiny crawl space). They were chirruping and scratching noises, and I gamely tried to convince myself that they could be from, say, songbirds or a benevolent elf. Then my coworker said, "Oh, they're probably bats," and I got on the horn STAT with the local pest/bat people. Actually, I think I didn't do anything until I found a dead mouse in the house, and then I casually mentioned the attic noises to the pest guy who came over, and the next thing I knew I was paying something like $600 or $700 for "guaranteed" bat service, which involves the bat guy plugging up all the places bats can get in and also putting in one-way valves that let the bats out but not back in.

The "guaranteed" bat service involved a checkup six months later to make sure there were no bats. No one came to check, but I was on it. I kept calling them and asking them to come check. Then it was winter, and I heard those same noises in our chimney area. The dog always seemed unconcerned, and I now know not to trust him.* The bat people said they couldn't check until the snow was off the roof. Well, this winter SUCKED ASS, and the snow was on the roof until recently. I called again. They said I was on the list. And then, finally, the bat guy came last Thursday and did some checking and plugging (for which I paid $93), but he said he didn't see any signs of bats.

On Saturday night, two days after the bat guy was there, we looked up and saw a BAT flying around the house. I suggested that maybe it was a songbird or possibly a Wonder Twin in the form of a bat, but it was a goddamned bat. We had no idea where it came from. After it had been flying around for a couple of minutes, I thought to shut the door to the upstairs, but could we definitively say that it hadn't been upstairs, where So.ren was sleeping? No. My husband got the bat out the front door, and thought it maybe looked hurt, but he also might have hit it with the broom.

I called the pediatrician on Monday to report the bat incident in the hopes that they'd say something like, "Oh, that must have been the benevolent elf species of bat, which is never rabid; don't worry about it." Instead, they said, "Take So.ren to the ER immediately for immunoglobulin and the first rabies shot. Then go back on day 3, 7, 14, and 28." So we (my mother and I) did.

Here are my recommendations from this experience:

1. If you have a bat in your house, catch it. (How? I don't know.) This will allow you to have the bat tested for rabies, which may mean you don't need to have any shots or subject your poor, tired, squirmy, SCREAMING child to such shots.

2. Do not go to the ER around dinnertime. You'd think people would be at home watching television, but, no, TiVo means that they can go to the ER at dinnertime. I think I'll try 8am for shots 2 through 5. (Why do we have to go to the ER for every shot? I don't know.)

3. If they offer to weigh your baby, accept. This way, you'll know that it's 24 lbs. that you're holding for hours, which means it was totally fine to skip the gym.

4. If you do catch a bat in your house, you can call the police about it. (This according to the family in the waiting room next to ours. I suspect the police then called animal control, but hey.)

And that, dear friends, is how I am currently FAR IN THE LEAD for bad mother of the year. I'm really looking forward to shots 2 through 5. No, really. Damned CDC guidelines. (Better safe than sorry, though.)

* The dog has been living a lie. This morning, my mother found him sleeping on the couch. He has never tried this when we're there, and when we come downstairs in the morning, he is always standing on the floor. My mother apparently snuck up on him since the guest room is on the first floor.

Reunion with dildocam

When I was in my early 20s, I worked in a very demanding job, as I have mentioned before here and often mention in public as a way of legitimizing my existence. As a consequence of the long hours in that job, I neglected my health. As a consequence of neglecting health matters such as regular teeth-cleaning, I ended up with the first cavities I'd ever had. Once I was forced to go to the dentist for an emergency visit because I had a visible hole in one of my molars, I found that not only did I have my first cavity, but I also had 23 additional cavities to keep it company. Some teeth had more than one cavity. I ended up having four root canals, which were done by this insane guy with dyed-black hair who barked at his little assistants (who were uniformly Asian) but was very quick and effective. For the rest of the cavities, my regular dentist scheduled me for fillings in groups - that is, I would come in, have one section of my mouth numbed up by nova.caine, and then get those cavities filled. Over time, I found that I was no longer afraid of the nov.acaine shot and in fact kind of relished the moment when that long, sharp needle would slide into my jaw. I thought they would never bother me again. That was incorrect. I've had a few fillings replaced recently, and I did NOT dig the needle at all.

You know where I'm going with this. With IVF, I got used to the needles and the dildocams, and I even felt a bit tough since I could give myself my shots without flinching, and giving up some blood for e2 levels was hardly worth even sighing over. I won't say I ever enjoyed the dildocams (if you did, you may want to keep that to yourself), but I did get used to them. But by the time I had to give blood for one of the pregnancy-related tests (glucose?), I had grown soft again and may have even clenched my teeth as the needle was sliding into my arm.

I had my midcycle ultrasound this morning to check for scarring from my c-section or other abnormalities. This was my first dildocam adventure since I was about six weeks pregnant with So.ren, and I found it deeply uncomfortable. That said, the clinic has moved to some shiny new digs, and they had a monitor installed on the ceiling that you could watch from the examination table. Here's what we saw:

- Lining was plush, striped, and, according to the ultrasound technician, "beautiful."
- Antral follicles were at 25, which was lower than the 29 or so I'd had during my first fertility workup, but I am three years older now, and so are my ovaries. I felt happy about 25 in case we need to do another fresh cycle.
- C-section scar had some fluid in it, but the RE claimed that it wasn't enough to leak back into the uterine cavity and disrupt the ambience.
- There was a HUGE ovulating follicle on my right ovary - I've never had any midcycle monitoring before (outside of fresh IVF cycles, when you don't have a dominant follicle), so this was interesting. I thought it was a tumor at first, but instead of being upset, I just felt this was typical behavior from my right ovary. I believe this means I am ovulating on day 12 instead of day 14. It's nice to see an uptick in productivity from the old reproductive system.
- The right ovary had several endometriomas on it, but they are small at the moment. We'll see what happens after they get all juiced up on Es.trace.

So that's the latest. Now, we wait for my next AF to arrive, and then I'll start the Est.race. The clinic is ordering me some PIO suspended in something lighter than whatever it is normally in so that I can use 25-gauge needles instead of the thicker 22s. I requested this since I will be giving them to myself due to my husband's inconvenient geographic location. I'll need to figure out a place to hide the needles from So.ren, who would be delighted to find a hazard that held the possibilities of both injury and overdose, and the people who will be looking at our house once we get it on the market.

This blog may liven up again

I talked to a nurse at the IVF clinic today, and here's our tentative plan:

- Get preliminary ultrasound on 4/1 to check condition of uterus.
- When period arrives in mid-April, start Es.trace 2x/day.
- 4-5 days after period, get laminaria placed, left in place for four hours, then removed, leaving a much more agreeable cervix to work with.
- 2-3 weeks into the Es.trace-taking, get an ultrasound to check lining.
- Up the Es.trace to 3x/day, add PIO or suppositories, which they say have now been proven to be as effective or nearly as effective as the shots.
- Tentative FET date: 5/9 (a Friday, so my husband could potentially be there).
- Four hours before FET, gobble ibuprofen; one hour before FET, take Bus.par and Dem.erol; feel happy.
- Dive back into the 2ww!

Mmmmmm.....I can just taste the hope and despair already!

I thought I was kind of joking about the fears

My husband left for California yesterday. This morning, at about 6:45, I heard a bunch of sirens. I didn't think much of it, since the emergency services in this town tend to overreact (though I'd certainly feel as if my emergency were being taken seriously if I had been the one to call for an ambulance and received, say, four). But when I got to the gym, MSNBC had a breaking news alert that there was a shooter in our little city! So.ren was semi-safely ensconced in the gym daycare, where the child-to-caregiver ratio was about 15:1 at that moment. I turned to the local news station and got more info about the shooter, who killed his wife and four kids. On our side of town. And he was still at that moment thought to be on the loose.

And then everyone at the gym was huddled in corners, and many people were crying. It turns out that the wife was an early-morning regular at the gym and the coffeehouse next door. And the husband had recently been indicted for embezzling hundreds of thousands of dollars from his job to support his cocaine habit. And all four kids were adopted. Not like it would be okay if they were biological; it just somehow seems even more awful that they were adopted.

The man apparently crashed his car into a sign on the interstate and burned alive. I'm not sure why he couldn't have just done that first instead of killing five other people.

Fear, denial

My husband moves to CA on Sunday. I've been ignoring that fact fairly successfully, although I have been pushing him to get some manly tasks done (e.g., cleaning the gutters) before he goes.

I have some irrational (or maybe partially rational but still weird) fears related to being a solo parent. One, what if I die in my sleep? Actually, this is probably the best-case scenario of my worst-case scenarios, since if I were asleep, it would mean So.ren would be in his crib and more or less safe until the babysitter arrived to find my cold, dead body. I am more worried about, like, falling down the stairs while holding So.ren, who is now totally mobile and EXTREMELY INTERESTED in anything hazardous. So what if I fell down the stairs and got knocked unconscious, and So.ren either got hurt or was okay but crawled into the fireplace or chewed a power cable and then the dog ate both of our bodies? I need to think of some system for alerting people that I am still alive at appropriate intervals (end of day, start of day) so that they can send in reinforcements to check on our welfare if needed. The dog, incidentally, would be completely useless and not one of those heroic pets who calls 911 or alerts the neighbors by barking "SOS."

Also, what if I am somehow responsible for injury or death befalling So.ren? My husband is usually the delinquent overseer (for instance, while he was "watching" So.ren the other day, I returned to find So.ren halfway up our very steep stairs while my husband was emailing and thought the baby was still in the room), but what if I start developing similar habits? More realistically, what will happen to So.ren if I am so afraid of his getting hurt that I don't let him do anything? His muscles might atrophy and he could lose all social skills.

Wow, that sounds insane. I hope by verbalizing my fears, I will be inoculated against their coming true.

We also decided not to do an FET until May for a few logistical reasons, such as that we have to go to my father-in-law's 70th birthday party and a wedding in late April, right around the time we'd be getting the FET done, so why not just wait until May? This sort of blithe toying with the schedule probably ensures that it won't work.

[Pictured above: So.ren at 10 months, ready to dive off the couch and go in search of hazards.]

Well, that was nice.

I may have mentioned before that I actually like my insurance provider (or maybe it's just that I like my coverage, which is very good, which then means fewer fights with the provider). Anyway, I just called them to find out how much fertility coverage I have left since my plan has a $25K lifetime limit, and I'd obviously used up some of that for tests, two fresh IVFs, and one FET. (Conveniently, since my hospital/clinic is the largest one in the area and the provider is also the largest one in the area, there are negotiated rates with the hospital/clinic that are much lower than list prices, and the negotiated rate is what gets counted against your lifetime limit.)

It took the phone rep a while to find the answer (which was that I have about $5K left), but after telling me the details, she then paused and very kindly said, "And good luck!" I temporarily felt warmth for my fellow man.

One step closer

The company approved my husband's proposal - he'll work there four days a week, then commute back here on the weekends until I am able to move. So we're getting closer to moving, though it's not entirely a done deal - he still has to pass the background check and drug test, which should come back okay, but since we don't want to count our chickens, etc., we are waiting until the word is official before informing our respective employers about our plans.

I've been looking into real estate. Crap, it's expensive! No surprise, but still somehow shocking. Because of my (grudging) willingness to move, my husband has offered me ten (10) things that I want but must specify in advance. So far, I have figured out two: first, a new mattress once we move, and second, maid service weekly while we try to sell our house (instead of biweekly). Any suggestions for the others? They can't all cost too much money or we won't have any left over for, like, existence.

Hacks for parents who want to eat organic meals and feed their kids organic food, but who are kind of cheap and strapped for time

I was very committed to feeding So.ren homemade organic baby food because (1) I suspected it was cheaper than buying organic baby food in jars, (2) it meant less packaging waste, (3) it would taste the same as the ‘real’ food he’d eventually eat, and (4) I’d have to cook for him eventually anyway and might as well get used to that now. Also, I admit the following psychological reason: I couldn’t get pregnant, be blissfully pregnant, give birth normally, or develop a full supply of breastmilk, but GODDAMMIT, I CAN USE A CUISIN.ART. Leaving aside the fact that when I first tried to use the Cuisin.art, it wouldn’t start because I’d put the top on backwards, I think I have subsequently proven my skill at using it.

So I thought I’d throw out a few tips for you guys in case you find yourselves in a similar situation – ie, having good intentions but also possessing some degree of cheapness and/or laziness. As a bonus, I am including some fast, delicious parent-food recipes as well.

(Note: someone gave us this book – Le Petit Appetit – as a baby gift, and it has been extremely useful. Normally, I’d link to Ama.zon, but I am mad at them right now for an Orwellian customer-service experience that they recently subjected me to. Anyway, that link is to the author’s site. The book gives you instructions for all the purées, as well as for recipes up to age 4. It’s divided up by stage – 4-6 months; 6-9 months; 9-12 months; etc. It gives both stovetop and microwave instructions for most everything.)

1. Making organic applesauce is a pain in the ass (lots of peeling) and expensive (heavy apples x high per-pound cost = all your money). But you can buy normal, adult organic applesauce that just has apples and water in it. Ede.n Organic has one that’s just apples and water and runs about $3.89/jar. The Sant.a Cruz Organic one has ascorbic acid in it, which I think is just vitamin C. The SCO also comes in other permutations (like apple/apricot, apple/blackberry, etc.), which is a nice way to introduce those additional fruits, especially when they’re out of season. If your baby is young and not chowing down the applesauce yet, you can freeze it in ice-cube trays like you would with the homemade purées. So.ren eats quite a lot of applesauce now, so we just take it from the jar in the fridge. This is way cheaper than buying the Earth’s Be.st baby applesauce or making your own. I do still make So.ren puréed pears because he loves them and the smell of poached pears is great, but this is pricy and more of a pain.

2. Some vegetables are more of a pain than others, and so you can go with frozen organic vegetables (which you still need to cook so they freeze OK). I’ve noticed that Cas.cadian Farms brand (and sometimes Wood.stock Farms brand) organic frozen vegetables go on sale frequently. So I stock up and use those – so far, peas, green beans, broccoli, and corn. Two bags’ worth of purées makes one full ice-cube tray (about 18 small servings). You can often get one bag on sale for about $2. The vegetables I still do fresh are sweet potatoes (roasted), regular potatoes (boiled), cauliflower (steamed in microwave), and spinach (steamed in microwave).

3. The Cas.cadian Farms brand organic fruits go on sale less often, but it does happen. Regardless, I use these for many fruit purées since everything is out of season right now. So far, I’ve done peaches and mangoes, and I puréed some uncooked frozen blueberries to mix into yogurt.

4. Puréeing chicken is not as bad as I would have thought. I just roast a bunch of boneless/skinless breasts at one time in the oven, then purée them with some water. It does look a bit like a huge bowl of fleshy clay, but whatever.

Some easy recipes for parents:

1. I just discovered the wonders of the slow-cooker. This recipe – Moroccan chicken – was fragrant, tender, and delicious. I used boneless/skinless chicken breasts instead of chicken pieces, and I served it with Middle Eastern couscous. If you have a slow-cooker recipe that calls for rice, use Arborio rice to make it risotto-like (may take a bit longer). I did this one – spinach, bean, and rice soup – last week. I used an extra can of beans in there as well. It was delicious and worked very well as leftovers.

2. I really shouldn’t reveal this salmon recipe, since people always rave over it and it’s preposterously easy. We eat it often on weeknights at home, but it also works extremely well for entertaining. It's also my go-to thing to take new parents. When I was in California recently, my friend and I made it at a dinner for 14 people. You can sear the salmon in batches and then keep it warm in the oven if needed.

This recipe is for four people. Take four salmon filets (not steaks) and remove the skin. In a bowl, mix together 2 tbsp sugar, 1 tbsp salt, 1 tbsp garlic powder, and 1 tbsp pepper. Pat salmon on both sides with mixture. Heat olive oil in stainless or copper pan on high until oil is hot. Sear salmon on both sides to desired doneness. (The sugar caramelizes somewhat and makes a slight crust.) Serve. It’s really good. (For sides, may I recommend quinoa (2:1 water: quinoa ratio, bring to a boil in salted water, lower heat to medium and cook for 15 minutes) and spinach sautéed in olive oil with minced garlic from a jar?)

Fuck you, Jennifer Lopez

I don't know why I had to go read CelebrityPregnancy.com, when it is obviously something that would just make me mad. But I did check it out today, and came across this quote from Jennifer Lopez's dad re: her twins:

“Yes, twins,” David Lopez told reports during an interview on Escandalo TV. “The thing is in my family, my sister also had twins, so it’s a hereditary thing.”

Okay, look: I bet JLo used IVF, but I realize that celebrities do not have to tell everyone in the world that they used IVF (in contrast to me). But even if she didn't, why does her family have to proactively get the word out that she didn't? It makes IVF seem so shameful.

So fuck you, Jennifer Lopez.

Real life intrudes

Big things are possibly in the works here at the Motel. My husband received a job offer in the Bay Area, where I lived for seven years. Since then, we've lived in a charming small city with a large university in it. I have grown attached to college-town life, especially with a baby, and that's not even mentioning my affection for my extensive team of medical experts and fantastic health insurance. So it is not surprising that I feel reluctance about moving. I also grew a bit tired of the SF area towards the end of my tenure there, and those feelings have only grown, perhaps unfairly since I do have many friends there, I like hiking, you can get great Vietnamese food, etc. But it is clearly expensive, prone to emanating a sense of self-satisfaction, and poorly positioned atop more than one fault. And yet it would be a great step, career-wise, for my husband, who changed careers in his mid-thirties and wants the seal of approval from a brand-name firm on his resume. I understand this, as I have been trading for years on one good firm I worked for from 22 to 25. That stamp of approval comes in handy.

The main thing, however, is that this offer would mean that my husband would move in mid-March, while So.ren and I would have to stay here until June 1 at the earliest. I won't go into why, but trust me that I am not aggrandizing my own qualifications - it's just a complicated situation for several boring, unique reasons. So I'd be a single mom for about three months, and I'd also be trying to swing an FET in April, despite the fact that my favorite RE will be on maternity leave. And I'd be selling the house, working on a consulting project outside my real job, selling my worldly possessions on eBay, and so forth.

So what we decided was that my husband would ask the new place whether they could let him do a four-day-a-week schedule (ie, four long days) and commute back here every Thursday night on the redeye. We are waiting to find out what they say about that. The company is supposedly pretty family-friendly, although I quickly determined that there's no IVF coverage. If we need to do another fresh cycle (if we even wanted to, assuming an FET failure), therefore, I should go COBRA on my own insurance and try to squeeze in another fresh cycle before we move. So complicated.

But not that bad, really. So.ren is maximum fun these days, and I recognize how lucky we are to have him. There's been so much loss out there in the blogosphere lately that it makes me ultra-conscious of how lucky we are. We should feel that lucky anyway and shouldn't have to be reminded of it by all the losses out there, but we are imperfect, to put it mildly.

So sad

I'm back at home, but terrible events transpired while I was away - Mary Ellen and Steve's triplets were born too early, and Mary Ellen herself had to fight off a major uterine infection. Thankfully, she is better physically, but I can only imagine what they are feeling right now. Stop by and send them some support if you can.