And then years went by

I'd say I'm not totally sure what inspired me to log back in, but that's not completely true.  And logging back in wasn't easy, by the way - the email address I'd had for this blog was deactivated because of inactivity, and for a second there it seemed as if I wouldn't be able to get back in at all, and this blog would just be out there, orphaned, not even something I could pull the plug on.  Luckily, I had a backup email in the system, so Google let me back in.

What brought me here is that I was Googling something unrelated to infertility, but it landed me on an infertility blog. And not only was it an infertility blog, but it was also an infertility blog that took me back to those days, which I have both blocked out and carry with me all the time. The author of the blog also has endometriosis, and she's been through a great deal, and she's pregnant now after IVF. Mostly, though, I liked her voice and her sensibility and her musings on the usual infertility topics, and I felt an urge to come check in on my little refuge here, which now attracts only Chinese spammers.

I also felt inspired to email her, which I did, because I remembered how nice it was, having this place on the internet where you could talk to people who were in the same shitty place, where you could share the insensitive things fertile people said to you or how it was impossible to escape pregnant women or how you felt like a failure at something really fundamental.  I remembered our cohort of infertiles and wondered what you guys were up to these days.  I lost the drive to blog after I got immersed (swamped) in parenting, working, etc.  The usual.  But, today, I felt like returning.  I don't know if it's anything permanent or not, but at least it's nice to dust off the blog.

My kids are big now - almost seven and over five - and they're hilarious, maddening, crazy, active, loud, sweet, and very, very cute. I am still amazed they exist at all.  The whole infertility experience fundamentally changed me, and I think it was for the better, not least because it made me realize the very important lesson that you really don't know what you'll do in a particular situation until you've been in it.  It made me much less of a know-it-all.

Lots has happened since I last posted, and it's been very good overall.  As I said above, I'm not sure if I'll be back often, or how much I'll share, but something in me felt the urge to check in.  If anyone's still looking, I hope you're all doing well.

Plain White Box! A contest! Enter to win!

Okay, could I be any more delinquent? Don't answer that. I won the Plain White Box from Statia (proud owner of TWO awesome kids now), who won it from Donna, who won it from someone else. This is a pay-it-forward kind of deal -- i.e., an awesome treat arrives for you in the mail; you enjoy its bounty; you refill it and add your personal touch, and you send it on to the next person with MUCH MORE promptness than I have done.

Are you interested? Who wouldn't be? Make a note in the comments, and I'll pick a winner using the random-number generator or other equally impartial decision tool. Or I'll just close my eyes and think of a number between one and two, which is likely the number of comments I'll have.

Seriously, though, I've stocked it with good stuff already. So make your interest known. Do it now, and don't be shy.

Time flies, etc.

Wow, that was a long time. I started a new job and don't do any personal email or surfing during the day (exhibiting impressive restraint on my part), and now it's been a couple of months. Whoops.

So, first, I am in possession of the Plain White Box and will soon pay it forward to the next person. That is on my to-do list for this week. I need to add my own decorations to it, but then it is ready to go. I'll make a separate post for that since it deserves one.

Second, Seb.astian is almost six months old. Holy fucking shit! I am nearly done breastfeeding, but not quite, which means I'll make it to six months. I impress myself. It's all been by chance, but I'll act as if I persevered intentionally.

Third, Se.bastian is FINALLY getting his sleeping act together, knock on wood. It took learning to roll over from his back to his tummy, but now he's much better. Still not as good as So.ren, but things are looking up. I hope.

Fourth, my right ovary is starting to hurt. I'd wanted it removed during my c-section, but my OB said it looked OK, so we left it in. Now I'm starting to regret it. I assume my endometriosis is back, and I resent it.

Finally, I haven't been blogging much (stating the obvious), but I am reading, and I'm really excited for a few of you out there. You know who you are. Fingers crossed that everything goes well.

(Check back this week for a post on the Plain White Box and how to enter to win!)

Wow, has it been that long?

I am totally still alive.  Tired, yes, but alive.  That sleep training I mentioned?  Yeah, it's still going on.  Our young hero makes it until 5:30am, which I can live with, except when he doesn't.  Like last night, when he was awakened repeatedly by diarrhea.  Poor kid.  Sleep training goes out the window in such situations, obviously.  

Seb.astian is SO amused by So.ren, who is turning TWO in two days, which I can't believe.  Except when he says things like "You can't have it, Mommy!", brandishing his sippy cup, and I'm all like, "I didn't want your milk, sillypants."  His babysitter told me that, today, he went up to a dad who was at the playground, watching his kids while sitting on the seesaw, and So.ren, who wanted to play on said seesaw, proclaimed, "Excuse me, MAN."  Both polite and aggressive, my son.

I am still breastfeeding, if you can believe it.  I can't.  The reason, however, is the aforementioned 5:30 wakeup.  I take S.ebastian into bed with me and nurse him, thereby tricking us both into an extra hour of sleep.  It's not going to last, though, since I don't do much feeding/pumping otherwise, so things are drying up.  

In other news:

Mother's Day just happened, and I remembered how horribly it sucked, and I wanted to send good vibes to anyone who's still stuck in infertility hell.  

Speaking of infertility hell, my copy of Mel's book, Navigating the Land of IF arrived, and it is fabulous.  As you know, Mel is a great writer, and she's also so well informed that everything in the book seems correct to me.  Hallelujah!

Finally, there's been great news and bad news out there in our world lately.  I won't repeat the sad news because it's just too hard to bear.  And I won't repeat the good news because I tend to jinx people.  But both camps are on my mind these days.

Cutting back

Is this post about the recession?  Nope.  Well, I suppose it is, indirectly.  You see, it's time for me to get a full-time job, which means I need to undertake a job search.  And those job searches take a long time these days, so I'd better start now, even though my second child (whom my husband occasionally calls "the other one," apparently forgetting his name) is still young.  And starting now means that I don't have time to pump after every feeding.  Also, I hate the fucking pump.  We shouldn't overlook that.  So as of today I am pumping after the morning feeding, the 1pm feeding, before bed, and in the middle of the night.  

Did you guys see the article called "The Case Again.st Bre.astfeedin.g" in the current issue of The Atlantic?  It has gotten the Internet into a furor, but, personally, I found it to be a nice reality check.  And if you're a low-supply gal like me who goes to great, possibly insane lengths to breastfeed, it offers some good perspective.  Like that it might be better for me to spend time with my offspring than to be pumping all the time.

In other news, Seb.astian's sleep is kind of a catastrophe.  He's getting his ass sleep-trained next weekend.  I'm ruthless.

A quickie

I have other posts brewing, but this is just a quick one to give myself a pat on the back.  You see, today I ventured out with the infant, the toddler, AND the dog -- all at once.  The dog was really the problem, seeing as he's been driven from the brink of insanity into real insanity due to the excess of children and the dearth of walks in his life.  The infant and toddler were very well behaved.

How do people have more than two kids?

I mean, sure, maybe you get better at managing the chaos created by many children, but how do you handle the germ transmission?  I mentioned in my last post that Se.bastian was sick -- well, it turns out it's RSV.  I've been having to take him to the pediatrician every day for a checkup, but that's at least better than having him in the hospital.  He's lost a pound and his sleeping has gone to hell.  I've since heard from several friends that their second or third babies ended up in the hospital when they got RSV at a young age (from an older kid in the house).  Yikes.  FYI, you're supposed to take your baby to the doctor immediately if they get a cough.  And the treatment Se.bastian is getting now involves two things through a nebulizer.  He should get better this week, according to the doctor, though it could linger.  Meanwhile, So.ren has some other virus that is causing a fever -- I hope we avoid that in Seb.astian.  We are keeping them far, far apart and hoping that I am immune to whatever So.ren has.

I'm on zi.thromax for an ear infection and taking many anti-thrush precautions, such as probiotics galore.  Also, I change my nursing tanks frequently and wash off my chest with vinegar, causing me to smell vaguely like salad at all times.  Well, salad on top of maple syrup, since I am also taking fen.ugreek.  In short, I am a joy to behold -- and smell.

But in other news, Seb.astian is making lots of intense eye contact and even smiling from time to time, so my postpartum OCD/anxiety levels have dropped.  For that, I am extremely thankful and will happily deal with sick offspring.